How to Show Up Well-Resourced and Regulated for your Neurodivergent Child
And ways to think about it when it feels impossible
An area that comes up again and again in my work with parents—as well as in my own experience parenting a neurodivergent child—is how to have the resources to show up as a calm, steadying presence for our ND children. When we’re dysregulated or carrying a lot of our own big feelings, it becomes very difficult to co-regulate with our children. Neurodivergent children especially, though really all children, need the steady presence of a calm adult at times to regulate themselves - this is co-regulation. The challenge is that as our child becomes more dysregulated or engages in more challenging behaviors, it can erode our ability to continue showing up in that way. That’s where breaks and self-management (as Debbie Reber of Tilt Parenting calls it) come in.
Note: this is by no means an admonishment or judgment if making time for yourself feels impossible right now, nor is it one more item to add to your to-do list. The hope is to help parents build awareness, think creatively about their needs, and come up with solutions for meeting them.
What Can Self-Management Look Like?
There is no single right answer—it’s a continual balancing act of needs and what’s feasible. Self-management could look like a solo weekend backpacking trip, or it could look like two minutes of deep breathing in the bathroom. For some parents, needs may have gone unmet for so long that they’re facing deep burnout. What matters most is remembering that your well-being and regulation matter—and directly affect your ability to co-regulate with your child.
Emotions
Having space for your own emotions can be challenging, but creating outlets for them can be very healing. This might include:
Writing in a journal
Saying out loud: “I’m feeling ____.”
Attending therapy
Joining a support group
Reaching out to trusted friends or loved ones who can listen with kindness
Sensory
Parents have sensory needs too, and pushing past those limits adds another level of strain. Noticing how your sensory needs show up can be powerful. Is the noise level too high? Is the environment overwhelming? Consider ways to mitigate: loop earplugs, five minutes of quiet, calming sensory input like a bike ride, walk, or time in nature. Be creative—maybe you can involve your family in meeting these needs.
Micro-Breaks
Sometimes it feels impossible to step away, but even the smallest breaks can help. Try heightening your awareness of pleasurable routines, like savoring a hot shower. Step into another room for one minute and notice how your feet feel on the ground. Involve your kids when you can—for example, by reading The Worry Monster together, which includes mindfulness practices you can share.
To sum it up…
Parenting a neurodivergent child often stretches us to our limits, and it’s easy to put our own needs last. But when we find small, sustainable ways to care for ourselves—emotionally, physically, and even through micro-breaks—we protect our capacity to show up with presence and compassion. Ultimately, tending to our own regulation isn’t selfish; it’s a vital act of love that helps our children feel safe, connected, and supported.